- (no subject)
- December 4th, 2011
I wish I could say something with certainty, not just regarding my own personal life but what's going on economically, politically, socially, etc. We live in uncertain times and that's probably why zombies are becoming a popular thing.
I'm pretty sure I have at least a good sixty years ahead of me and rather than giving me peace that fills with me with a sense of dis-ease. Sometimes I find solace in the fact that nothing exists except this moment right now and by the time you're conscious of it it's already gone and you are within every moment a new human being. But at the same time this means that you also have potential to fix things. If you don't make the choice to be a better person, to do better things, to continuously climb the hill, are you turning your back on this existence? What does it mean to give up?
I think I've given up on people throughout my life, or maybe they have given up on me. Sometimes it was necessary because I regarded them as poisonous and sometimes it was just through circumstance. Neither of these makes me happy. Sometimes before I go to bed, perhaps due to nightly sentimentality, I hope that anyone I've ever come into contact with, even the people who've cut me off or I've flipped off or I've gotten into arguments with or I've lost, I wish them peace. Is this selfish? Do I expect some kind of cosmic pat on the head for this?
Maybe because I've been mostly alone since the beginning of this school year I keep thinking how I can be a better person, how I can attract more people, how I can do better things and then I weigh them against the effort it would take with absolutely no guarantee of success. So I give up before I even start.
I don't want to spend the next sixty years doing a mundane job, meeting mediocre looking people when--if!--I meet them, and losing friends one way or another. I know a person very close to me who's very lonely and I can't do anything for her except spend time with her but I'm not the kind of company she needs. And I see myself becoming this person--unable to make friends because I judge them immediately. Therein lies the paradox, how can you meet interesting good-looking people and do interesting things if you have no interest in doing the necessary steps that will acquire those things?
I am selfish. I do want to know many people and still have free time. I don't want to care about them. And perhaps every person I meet realizes that within me, that their friendship would be nothing to me but a type of possession, something to validate me. Genuine people aren't lonely. Honest people aren't lonely.
So whenever I want to be a better person I don't really want that, do I? I just want the things that would bring.
But if I'm not a better person, if I'm not living to be beneficial to someone in some way, no matter how small or big, why would I bother living?
I am just terribly lonely in a way that feels like I've given up caring whether I am or not. That horrifies me.